I couldn’t help but wonder what advice I would give a potential ‘suitor’ after my most recent experiences. Yes I just used the word suitor… Deal with it.
So, I was waiting for my pan au chocolat to cook in the AGA this morning and I briefly remembered ‘Chris’ (if you don’t know who I mean… Check out the explanation here) asking me on a Friday evening if I wanted him to pick me up in an hour for a late dinner, in the morning for a leisurely breakfast or tomorrow for an early lunch. I declined to all. Now, I love eating out, the jeans I unbutton in the car home know I love eating out, however I didn’t feel inclined on that particular evening. When I really consider my thought process, the only conclusion I can make is… I must have not liked him very much.
Tip 1: If I decline on dining… I’m probably not so keen.
You know when you watch a film and the two main characters are falling for each other and they go in for that awkward first kiss? Ha. I hate those moments, so cliché and cheesy. I’m not one for lovey-dovey stuff, but I guess it usually looks cute and slightly acceptable in the movies. AH! Chris said he didn’t watch films… clearly he hadn’t learnt the awkward but acceptable approach? I feel a brief and to the point list should paint an accurate picture of my unfortunate experience, allow me to explain… we’re talking the ‘acutely uncomfortable’ type of awkward.
Tip 2: Clammy hands. I don’t particularly wish for my hand to be clasped by a damp limb.
Tip 3: An exceptionally cringe-worthy line on a first date is – ‘can I kiss you?’ IF YOU HAVE TO ASK IT’S A NO.
Tip 4: Please, please, keep your tongue away from my ear.
I think these four tips are sufficient for now, I shall report back with more in due course. I feel like these are reasonable expectations and pretty useful tips, especially for that queue outside my door – I do hope you made notes.
One at a time! Please wipe your
feet hands on the way in…